Byers was able to dig up the original Ryder cup draft and analysis.
Eau Claire, WI- Today the draft took place for the first annual Eau Claire Ryder Cup. The event features two former best friends turned bitter rivals as the Captains for their respected teams. The combination of Blake Gabriel and Zack Lehmann used to associate thoughts of back rubs and long walks on the beach. Now they bring thoughts of Crystal Richardson and other scary, unspeakable things. It all started after Lehmann blamed his boring life of adding and subtracting number, on Blake Gabriel. "If he could of thrown me the damn ball in High School," I would be in the NFL. Blake changed outfits and hasn't spoke to Lehmann since. In an exclusive interview with Big Stick Gabriel he guaranteed victory over Lehmann. "I'm gonna have so much shit going on, on my golf shirt, that Lehmann won't know what hit him. I'm talking dragons and squiggly lines and scary looking fonts. It gonna be crazy." In response to Big Stick's comments Lehmann declared his love to his lady friend, Lindsey Lehmann, and swore on their relationship that he will be victorious.
In the First round, Lehmann used his first pick on his broseph Nate Lehmann. Big Stick turned around drafted Bwandon Nowak. Bwandon is a interesting pick because with all the cool shit happening in Beloit, why would he ever want to leave. ADVANTAGE: Lehmann, Although watch out for Nate and Zack making side bets with each other and getting in each others heads.
Second Round: Lehmann pulled the trigger on Jon Cuskey, while Big Stick took Jordan Iverson. ADVANTAGE: Lehmann, Big Stick tried to reunite old lovers in Bwandon and Ivey. Could back fire on him. Bwandon and Ivey went through a messy break-up after Ivey would not commit. Bwandon slept around with various others (Dustin, DD), and has finally fallen happily in love with Christine. Ivey has been so depressed that he actually went to go hind himself in that crap pile known as Minnesota. Look for a lot of tears to come out of the two of them.
Third Round: Lehmann selected John Korbel and Big Stick went for Davey. ADVANTAGE: Big Stick, Lehmann's selection has forfeit written all over it. Korbel has a 90% chance of dropping out at the last second because the event will be too much fun for him. He will probably stay home and pull whiskey in his room while playing poker. Davey on the other hand will be there, in body not in mind as he will no doubt be blacked out by the 7th hole each day. Big Stick wins this by default.
Fourth Round: Lehman, selected Dustin Sheehy, and Big stick took Lunde. ADVANTAGE:
Fashion. With Big Stick and Lunde teaming up who knows what they can come up with. They will set the standard for Ryder Cup Fashion to come, and hopefully they will bring some good looking young female spectators, who after being shot down, decide they are only attracted to short, skinny, shaky alcoholics.
Fifth Round: Lehmann selects Pat Durch, and Big Stick picked Scoops. ADVANTAGE: To close to call. Tough to pick against TD. But Lehmann countering w/ Durch is a good move. He hasn't been around him enough to know just how much of a man he really is.
Sixth Round: Lehmann selects Taylor, and Big Stick choose Old Man Byers. ADVANTAGE: Lehmann, The Spooner Love connection tips the scales towards Lehmann. Plus we know Byers can get thrown off his game, and since Lehmann put the no ipod's on the golf course rule into play, Byers will be unable to calm himself down with his terrible ass techno music that none of us are cool enough to have ever heard of.
Seventh Round: Lehmann selects Missini, Big Stick concedes the match up. Lehmann argued, so Big Stick Reluctantly selected BVB. ADVANTAGE: There are no winners here. In this match up some of the worst things imaginable will be talked about. Both will probably get slapped by beer cart girls. There may be a slight advantage to Lehmann because, There is no way BVB will be able to afford the event because at the time of press he was being called to his bosses office, to get fired and punched in the face.
Looks like Team Lehmann is the favorite going into the event. We will see you all there. With this amount of wandos in one city at one time, only god knows what will happen.
Subject: PLAYER ANALYSIS
NOWAK-Strong Player, gets aggravated easily, may throw a club or two before the day is over. Also distracted easily by his mistress. May hit the whiskey too early and be ineffective. Might crap himself on the course. High Risk-High Reward player.
Scoops-AKA Top Dog. Intiminates others with all his cool gear. His wife will be watching his every move. He could be distracted. Any team with Top Dog has to be favored. Because Top Dog will say so.
N. Lehmann-Solid Player. Bad influence. Who ever is teamed up against him, he will take them out of their games with shots of Jim Beam. Deadly Weapon
Korbel- Skilled but can get a little too fired up. Another possible club thrower.
Byers-What can you say hes got that beautiful mop on the top of his head. Don’t worry about wind or rain, He still is going to look great.
Davey-Excellent Player. Character Issues. There is no way he will be able to stand on his own after the turn on Saturday. Unless all the Whiskey in Eau Claire suddenly dissapears, this could be a disastourus weekend for Davey.
Dustin- Has been practicing every day all summer for this event. Does not lack confidence. When Dustin gets drafted the other captain needs to draft N. Lehmann and try to get them in the same Golf Cart at all possible costs.
Ivey- Crafty. Solid pick unless he goes to the Wigwam for breakfast and he may be a no-show.
Lunde- Strong Talent. Goozing in upside. May throw a club or may punch his teamate in the face. He will be the best dressed on the course.
Bryce- Rising up draft boards all summer long. Concerns about his driving skills may keep him out of the top tier of draft picks. May not be able to afford outing after getting fired for abusing e-mail policy at work.
Missinni-High Character Guy. A bit of an unknown. Will probably send civil rights progress 100 years back after the weekend.
